Every factual gag in this duel comes from public reporting:
Apple removed the iPhone 7 headphone jack and called it 'courage' (Sept 2016) — theringer.com(2016-09-07)
iPhone 4 'antennagate' (2010): gripping the steel band dropped the signal. 'You're holding it wrong' is the popular paraphrase; the actual advice was to avoid holding it that way — cnn.com(2010-06-25)
Apple delayed the 'more personalized Siri' Apple Intelligence features (March 7, 2025) — cnbc.com(2025-03-07)
The 2016 MacBook Pro was USB-C only, which started the 'dongle life' era — 9to5mac.com(2016-11-07)
Apple discontinued the Newton MessagePad line (Feb 27, 1998) — mactech.com(2024-07-26)
Clippy (Office Assistant) was turned off by default in Office XP in 2001 and removed entirely in Office 2007 — tomshardware.com(2026-04-11)
Microsoft added a dedicated Copilot key, billed as the first big PC keyboard change in about 30 years (Jan 2024) — npr.org(2024-01-05)
A faulty CrowdStrike update blue-screened about 8.5 million Windows devices worldwide (July 19, 2024) — cnbc.com(2024-07-20)
The Microsoft Excel World Championship is a live spreadsheet esport held in Las Vegas — cbc.ca(2024-12)
Microsoft extended its OpenAI partnership with a multiyear, multibillion-dollar investment (Jan 2023) — blogs.microsoft.com(2023-01-23)
The 'Developers, developers, developers!' stage chant from an early-2000s Microsoft event became a meme and was reprised in 2011 — theregister.com(2011-09-14)
Windows updates get stuck on 'Working on updates... Don't turn off your computer' at a fixed percentage — howtogeek.com(2018-06)
'Siri AI', the long-delayed personal Siri first shown at WWDC 2024, finally shipped with iOS 27 but only as an English beta (Sept 14, 2026) — apple.com(2026-09-14)
Access to iOS 27's Siri AI goes through a waitlist — macrumors.com(2026-09-15)
The full Q&A video of the 2010 Antennagate press event surfaced online for the first time (Sept 24, 2026) — appleinsider.com(2026-09-24)
Apple announced its first foldable, the 'iPhone Duo' (Sept 9, 2026) — macrumors.com(2026-09-09)
Microsoft took about 900 MW of Abilene data-center capacity that OpenAI and Oracle had walked away from (March 2026) — bloomberg.com(2026-03-27)
Copilot got a flatter new logo while the consumer and Microsoft 365 Copilot apps merged into one (Aug 2026) — office-watch.com(2026-08)
The Microsoft Excel World Championship aired on ESPN8 The Ocho for the 5th year in a row (Aug 2026) — techcommunity.microsoft.com(2026-08)